Dear Friendz, My career is to be a world famous writer and I am hopeful I can achieve that goal as soon as LuLu quits interrupting me all the time when I am working!

I have written some outstanding essays, like "A Girl's Guide to Begging" and "What to do When You Don't Want a Bath," and sent them to important magazines like "Teen Cosmo." But I have not heard back.

In the meantime, here are some of my interviews, and as you can see they are very intensive and probing. Also now that we are back from the road trip that LuLu talked me into, where I spent a lot of time in the emergintsy room, captured by coyotes, AND OH BY THE WAY IN JAIL EVEN THOUGH I AM NOT THE ONE WITH THE ROAD RAGE, and that is LULU who has the road rage! -- now that we are back from that, I am working on a new book titled, "LuLu and Me: My Life With an Unhinged Maltese Dog."

Read on for my outstanding interviews where I get to interview some truly outstanding canines. And for exciting daily updates from many friendz, don't forget to read the Dog Blog!

JUST RELEASED!

February 14, 2009

TURN THE BEAT AROUND! LoLLy Interviews Marley and Disco!

The interview begins when I dial Marley and Disco, and wait excitedly as the phone rings ...

Hello this is Marley, can I help you?
Hi Marley! This is LoLLy Maltese, potentially world famous journalist! I'm calling for our ground-breaking interview!
Awesome! Disco's here too. But I'm in charge. So I'll do all the talking.

Wow. This is LuLu and we live in parallel universes.
Hi it's Disco. Where's Parallel Universes? We live in Georgia.
I mean LoLLy doesn't let me talk either --

Quiet! Now Marley, and Marley on behalf of Disco, thank you for joining me. I know it must be hard to open up about your situation. But let me assure you, I am known for the sensitivity I bring to an interview. So let's get started with the first question: When did you realize you were a couple of nutjobs?



Hey LoLLy. Maniac can also mean enthusiastic.
Quiet! Now Marley, try to remember --
Did you say nutjobs?
The squirrels have nutjobs. Get it? Their job is to carry the nuts! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Disco this is not funny. We just got called a couple of wackos.
Don't blame me, you're the one that does a handstand when you take a leak.

At this point I hear the sounds of a dogs yelling and the phone clattering to the floor. Shortly thereafter, Marley returns to the phone line.

Disco would like to apologize for making an inappropriate comment.
Disco apologizes for talking about Marley doing a handstand when she --
Got it! Are acrobatics one of the main symptoms of your nutjob condition?
Oh boy.

LOLLY WE ARE NOT NUTJOBS WE ARE ENTHUSIASTIC! I rescued my human through Petfinder. And we were having so much fun being a family that I helped her start Maltese Maniac! It's for enthusiasm!

Um, ahem, well, that sounds very good and all, but are you sure? No one's ever told me that maniac means enthusiastic.
Didn't LuLu just tell you that?
Yes LuLu just told her that.

Then one day we found Disco in an abandoned parking lot. He was almost frozen to death, poor thing. We took him home and the first thing he did was set the living room carpet on fire.

I set our kitchen on fire trying to make French Toast!
Is Parallel Universes far away from Georgia? I could come over! Although I'm a pancakes canine myself.
You get pancakes?
No but they sound --

THIS IS LOLLY AND THE TOPIC IS NOT BREAKFAST FOODS! Now everybody pay attention! The next question is, what does it feel like to help others in your situation? I mean before I went to your website the only crazy dog I knew was LuLu, but now it looks like half the canines in America are in the looney bin!

LoLLy listen to me, you fuzzy-headed beast! We just established these guys aren't crazy!

Then what exactly am I going to ask them, LuLu? Did you ever think of that? All the questions I prepared have to do with them being maniacs as in whack jobs!

Ask them about the fire.
What?
The fire! Disco set the carpet on fire!
Oh and that's not crazy!
I couldn't help it! The voices told me to do it!
WHAT?
Disco hears voices.

It's terrible! Like that night I first came home with Marley -- and the humans were all, oh look at the new doggy, and your name will be Disco! And I'm like, OK fine, I don't know what that means, but it's got snap. And then next thing I know, I hear voices singing, "Burn, baby, burn. Disco inferno!" I was like, I'm the new kid around, who am I to argue if the voices want Disco to set the place on fire? So I knocked over a candle  --

Whoosh. Carpet up in flames. And then there was the incident on the highway.

You guys don't understand! Imagine you're riding in the car, everything is going great, head hanging out the window -- and then wham! Out of nowhere you hear voices sing, "Disco, Disco duck!" You'd hit the floorboard too!

Completely certifiable.
I hear voices. Only mine don't sing, and they tell me to do normal dog things, like "chew on shoes. Eat LoLLy's dinner. Get credit cards."

The worst was the time I heard a voice say, "And now a special Disco tune!" And then I heard more singing. "But now you're back, from outer space, I just walked in to find you here with that same look upon your face. I should have changed the stupid locks, I would have made another key, if I'd have known for just one second you'd be back to bother me, Go on now go! Walk out the door." It was raining, and the last thing I wanted to do was go outside! Or what about when you hear, "And now for all you Disco fans!" and then, "Staying aliiiiiiiiiiive" -- I mean it's terrifying!

Is your human a nutball too?
I keep telling you we're enthusiastic! And the only defect our human has is she won't let me lay on her stomach when she does sit-ups!

At least your human does sit-ups.
With us it's like, "Who's that fatso LuLu and LoLLy are walking? Oh that's their Human."

And then there was the time I heard, "And now for one of your all time favorite Disco moments!" Then this voice started singing, "Turn the beat around!" I still can't figure out where the beat is, let alone how to make it rotate!"


Disco you should quit paying so much attention to human voices. Dogs should only pay attention to key words from humans, like treat, biscuit, car, chew, or credit cards. Everything else takes up too much space and interferes with napping. In other words, you should hear: "Blah, blah, blah treat blah blah blah ... blah blah blah blah chew blah blah." You get the picture.

World-famous journalist would be another term to keep an open ear for. Meanwhile, do you have any relatives who are out to lunch? Or did it all start with you?

And what about getting to Boogie Land? Or Funky Town? And just who am I supposed to be taking there? I don't even have a map!

Really, the only voice you should be listening to is mine.
But your name! Aren't you always supposed to pay attention to your name? Especially when the humans say it?


Absolutely not! For example, if you hear water running, and your humans start calling your name in a high voice, and a human walks through the house carrying towels, you are absolutely NOT supposed to pay attention. Otherwise next thing you know, somebody's getting a bath when she's not in the mood.
Do you think that being a Maltese Maniac nutball is becoming fashionable?

YES IT IS FASHIONABLE BUT IT IS FOR BEING ENTHUSIASTIC! And it's not just for Malteses either! It's for any Maltese-mixed breed! Plus we have fun games, great advice on stuff like Maltese eye stain -- wait! I just heard Katie's car pull up! We'll have to hang up soon! She just opened the car door --

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
HEY THOSE WERE MY EARDRUMS!

It's the voices! The second Katie opened the car door I heard them! They said, "And now for another all time favorite Disco tune!" and then starting singing about staying at some place called the YMCA! What am I going to do? I haven't even figured out where Boogie Land is yet!

Maybe it's near the Parallel Universes.
Where's that?
AY YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE -
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, DOG! Do what LuLu said!
About the French Toast?
About the voices!
Voices?

IGNORE THE VOICES!

Yikes! Katie just shut the car door!
The voices stopped! The second she shut the door! Thank Dog!
See? Ignore works like a charm. You'll probably never have to take a bath again!

Katie's coming in the house! Gotta go! But thanks, y'all, this has been great!
My pleasure!
Mine too!
Quiet!

Wow! I think you saved my life! I want to come to Parallel Universes to thank --

And then Marley and Disco hung up.

Concluding remarks, by LoLLy:
Thank you for reading my ground-breaking interview with Marley and Disco! What we have learned today is how truly amazing rescue dogs are. Just think, Marley, who came from Petfinder, and Disco, whose humans were awesome enough to rescue him from the streets, run Maltese Maniac, which is either a self-help site for nutball canines or a fun place for enthusiastic dogs and their humans. Either way, it is truly fantastic! I myself came from Town Lake Animal Center!

Additional note by LuLu: It's a good thing Disco doesn't listen to the radio. Then he'd REALLY go nuts! And for a super good time, check out my pro-wrestling career!

 ------------------------

December 15, 2008

Billie, Billie Don't You Lose My Number!
LoLLy Interviews Billie Maltese
  by LoLLy, Potentially World Famous Journalist

I begin by calling Billie on the phone.

Security Sensations, can I help you?
Hi, this is LoLLy! I am calling for Billie.
Billie here! At your service! What can I do you for?
It’s LoLLy Maltese, calling to interview you! We set this up on the email --

Of course! Roger that! And while we're Rogering-that, let's Billie-that too!

OK! Then let’s get started. First, I want to say I realize you are blind, and that therefore I need to handle this interview with care and sensitivity. I will try not to say anything like, “See what I mean.” So to start, see what you can tell us about your life story.

Roger that, and Billie that too! I was born blind. My first memory is hearing some idiot human say that because my eyes had problems they should put me to sleep. I thought, that’s about the stupidest thing I’ve heard in my tender six weeks of life. This joker wants to put me to sleep. And I’m not even tired!

A burst of giggles comes from somewhere in the background.

Um, Billie, was that you laughing?
No.
LuLu is that you?
No.
LuLu are you on the other phone extension?
No. This is not LuLu. I am a ghost.
Hey Roger that! I have ghost eyes I wear. They are made of paper. My human made them for me one Halloween and they’ve sure come in handy since --

Hang up right now.
This is over already?
Not you, Billie. LuLu.
Who’s LuLu?
Not me.
LuLu is my obnoxious sister who wants to be a pro-wrestler --
Wow! I have an obnoxious sister named LuLu. She's a wrestler too! She's been beating up on the rest of us for years.

No I want to be a professional wrestler. I even have a professional wrestling name -- Five Pounds of Fuzzy Fury!

Billie pay attention this is my interview and we are not talking about LuLu's career. Now what happened next in your life story?

The awesome humans from Northcentral Rescue saved me and had surgery on my eyes so they wouldn't get infected. Then an awesome human adopted me. Now I live in a big pack, and I love my human a LOT! I even get a little bit of milkshake now and then!

Chocolate?! Please tell me chocolate! We're not allowed chocolate ever since we broke into the M&Ms and LoLLy leapt off the balcony.

My sister Joplin says chocolate is toxic. Toxic to the butt that is. My Human eats chocolate all day long and according to Joplin, well, you get the picture.

(in a kind and sensitive tone): Billie tell us what happened after you had surgery on your eyes ...

Happy as can be, and blind as a bat!
Hey Billie you’re not a bat! You are a DOG! Hee hee ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Roger that! Billie that too!
Um, excuse me –
In fact --
EXCUSE ME!
Quit yelling, canine! The dog’s blind, not deaf!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA snort snort HAHAHAHA!

OK that’s it.

At this point LoLLy marches into the other room and finds that LuLu is indeed on the other end of the phone.

PUT DOWN THE PHONE!
(Whimpering.) But I just want to help!
LuLu sit!
(Cocking head.) LoLLy did you just tell me to siit? LoLLy you can't tell me to sit. That’s for the Humans to do!
JUST STAY OFF THE PHONE!

LoLLy stomps back to her phone.

Billie, I am very sorry for LuLu's inappropriate behavior. She has issues. Now, you are blind, but that hasn't stopped you from having an awesome life, has it?

Not at all! My human says I'm the happiest doggy she's ever met! And the best part is that my sense of smell, and taste, and hearing -- all my senses are super awesome!

We had a pack member named Rex who was blind when he got older, and it didn't slow him down one bit. He still loved chase, walks, belly scratches, a good meal -- everything as much as he had when he could see, and also he was just as happy as ever. Our Humans say he was one of the happiest and sweetest doggies ever. He was truly outstanding and we all still miss him today. 

Actually being blind makes me good at my job!
You have a career in securities, which sounds very exciting!
It is! My human owns a securities firm. This means she provides stuff that makes people safe. What she doesn’t know is that bad guys have tried to break into our house a bunch of times. I figure it’s bad for business if the securities firm gets broken into. So whenever I hear someone attempting a break-in, I put on my ghost eyes and stand at the front window howling. Scares the daylights out of the bad guys every time. I'm the 'private eye' of the bunch. Private eye! Get it?

Ha ha ha ha ha! Billie you're killing me!
But how do you know the bad guys are there?
My sense of smell is super duper. My sense of hearing is spectacular – dacular. I can hear those guys miles away. And smell them too. The bad guys smell (get ready) – BAD! (Peels of laughter.)

(Laughing politely): Yes, um that is an outstanding joke --

From somewhere in the background ... "Your pro-wrestling name could be Ghost Eyes!"

What was that?
Nothing.
Billie I bet your packmates are grateful. Do they help you run the business?
Are you kidding? My packmates are usually sound asleep when all this happens. Snoring like logs. When they’re awake my favorite thing to do is to run around the house bumping into them.

The classic Slam and Bam! Billie have you ever tried it when your sister is sitting in her red chair trying to work and you do the Slam and Bam and your sister goes flying out of the chair screaming her head off? It is HILARIOUS!

Hahahahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! That’s great! I gotta try that one out for sure!

May I please remind everyone we are not talking about pro-wrestling. Now Billie! Surely your human is grateful for you saving her business.

She has no idea. You know how it is with the humans – best if you pretend that they’re in charge. Although my human does say I keep her laughing and smiling all the time. I think her favorite thing is the hair advice I give her. I sleep on her head. She acts like it bothers her but I know she's grateful. Due to my outstanding sense of touch, I let her know when it's time to bone up on the conditioner.

Billie what about the Scoot and Shoot, have you heard of that? It involves –
Hold on -- quiet please --
Finally! Hear that, LuLu? Quiet!
No, I mean I think I hear something … (sniffing sounds) … Oh yuck! I can smell them too! It's bad guys!

(Nervously) Real live bad guys?
Time for some Billie Maltese action! I’ll take the phone with me and you can witness this live!
AWESOME!
(Whimpering) But I don't want to witness this live!

We hear Billie pad deftly down the stairs. Then Billie hisses into the phone, "Ladies I've got my ghost eyes in place. Now stand by as I prepare to leap up into the window and scare the pants off these evil doers ..."

WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Terrified human screams. Sounds of heavy human footsteps running away …

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Hee hee hee hee snort chortle ha ha ha ha! Oh I love my life!
That was AMAZING! It was the Ghost Eyes Get ‘Em move, a pro-wrestling classic! Hey LoLLy, was that cool or what?

Um, LoLLy?
LoLLy?

I think LoLLy passed out.
-------------------

In Sum, by LoLLy. (Several days later.)
Yes, of course I had passed out, becuz frankly that was about the most sensible reacshon a canine could have at that moment.

It is hard to be a potentially world-famous journalist. Not only do you have to be sensitive, but you have to be brave.

In the ground-breaking interview with Billie, we have learned many things.

First, we learned LuLu is still obnoxious. Second, we learned Billie is truly outstanding and has a very excellent sense of life, just like our pack mate Rex, who was also blind, and also loved life every day!

Next, (7th?) we learned that Billie is single-pawedly guarding the house, running the securities business, and advising his human on her hair. This is a lot of responsibility for one little dog.

Finally, we learned that we need to give Two Paws Up! for Northcentral Maltese Rescue and for Billie's outstanding human, for being smart enough to realize that just because a doggy might have a disability, doesn't mean he doesn't have a lot of other great qualities. Can you imagine life without Billie, this very happy little dog? No! The planet is a better place because he is HERE!

LuLu here! Come visit me at LuLu's Corner where I can tell you all about my pro-wrestling career. And for more news from doggies around the world, check out the Dog Blog! We love to hear your stories too -- contact us here!

-----
Michael You Make My Day!
Interview with Michael Maltese Dog, of Northcentral Maltese Rescue
  by LoLLy Maltese Miller, Soon to be World Famous Writer

• Hi Micheal I understand you were recently rescued by the outstanding humans at Northcentral Rescue. They are in Wisconsin but help doggies all over the country and also humans from all over the country can see if their doggies want to come live with them. We understand that because of their generosity and kindness you can now walk and run. That is extremely outstanding and also awesome. Congratulations and thanks for joining me for the Official Lolly Interview. I am very honored!

• Happy to bark at you.
• Michael, I was a rescue too. The humans who adopted me are adequate in many ways, but they won't let me have candy. Do you think you are going to get adopted by people who will let you have candy?
• Um --
• I mean really. Is it so much to ask? One M&M --
• Lolly, last time you broke into M&M's you leapt off the balcony screaming "Super Dog!" Then the humans had to take us to the vet to get your stomach pumped. You know chocolate is poison for dogs--
• Nobody asked you, Lulu --
• I'm just saying --
• Michael, what about a cell phone? Is there a place on the adoption application to make sure that you will get your own cell phone?
• I'd be willing to share...
• Don't compromise. Every doggy deserves her own cell phone. Not that WE have them --
• We can't have cell phones because Lolly borrowed the Human's cell phone and then a few days later our Human came in from the mailbox waving an envelope and screaming something about "four thousand dollars" and then we got grounded to the back yard and we were told never to use the cell phone again.
• Can we get some focus here? Michael, I would like to know what your favorite part about being able to walk and run is.
• Chasing. Chasing a ball. Chasing leaves. Chasing anything. Also rolling. Rolling around in the grass. Also hopping around, I like to hop --
• What about pro-wrestling?
• Lulu stop interupting!
• Generally I like chasing.
• have you tried pro-wrestling?
• I like chasing.
• Then maybe you can come over to our place and chase the squirrels. Every time we get grounded to the back yard they throw pecans at us.
• You should throw the pecans back at them.
• Wow. That is so brilliant. Do you have a girlfriend?
• Lulu don't ask personal questions! Micheal, what is the answer?
• To what?
• To the girlfriend question!
• I'm playing the field.
• One time I tried to play the fiddle.
• What does that have to do with anything?
• I also tried to play the trombone.
• I got stuck in a trombone.
• Can we please get back to the interview?
• What was the question?
• (Sigh) Our readers want to know how old you are.
• Three
• Is that the number after sixteen or before negative twelve?
• It's three.
• What is your favorite movie?
• Pro-Wrestling on TV.
• (Banging head against pillow): Lulu, I'm not interviewing you -- it's Michael who's supposed to be answering the questions! And Pro-wrestling is NOT a movie anyway!
• I like Ace Ventura Pet Detective.
• Pro-Wrestling is LIKE a movie, only it goes on all the time --
• I also like that penguin movie.
• I like pro-wrestling --
• Lulu, you've got to accept that you are too SMALL to be a pro-wrestler!
• Not when I grow up.
• You ARE grown up!
• I'm three.
• The humans say Lolly is a little older than me but not much. Math is not our strong suite, so we can't even remember how old we are.
• I need a nap.
• Great idea.
• Well at least answer one last question: how awesome is it to be rescued?
• Ladies, it is the most awesome thing ever!
• IN CONCLUSION: It is very difficult to be a world famous journalist when Lulu is your sister. However, we have learned many important things today, like Michael is three, which quite possibly is the number between negative sixteen and twenty-nine. Also, that Michael likes Ace Ventura Pet Detective, the penguin movie, napping, and is very glad to be able to run and walk and be rescued.

For more on LuLu's Pro-Wrestling Career, check out LuLu's Corner. For important daily updates on the lives and activities of our many outstanding friendz, head on over to the Dog Blog! For outstanding tips on topics like naming your dog and your canine's health, make sure to go to Puppy Pointers!